I Want to Believe
I’ve had an internal battle for most of my life
over what I actually believe in; this includes religion, aliens and the
paranormal. The latter two on my list have always held my interest, but the
first never sat comfortably in me and was eventually rejected in my early teens,
mainly because my prayers went completely unanswered at a time when I really
needed to be heard. My rejection of religion was further enforced during the
time I worked in a hospice, where I spent six years caring for people who were
terminally ill.
Aliens on the other hand were something I could believe in though not necessarily the variety that are claimed to live amongst us or abduct people at will. I still find it difficult to believe these claims even though I enjoy reading articles about the subject, like those found in this magazine. I do believe that there are other inhabited planets out there and other civilisations far more and far less advanced than us folks here on Earth. It is only a matter of time before technology will allow us to visit our distant neighbours. The voice within me knows this to be true and therefore I can comfortable say, I believe there are alien beings.
This brings me to my favourite subject, the paranormal. I have had a fascination with ghosts, monsters and things that go bump in the night for as long as I can remember. But again, as fascinated as I am with the subject, I can’t accept it is real, it is the possibility of it being real which excites me and keeps my interest. I have waited for proof for most of my life, and how frustrating this wait is, just to give myself permission to embrace belief of an existence beyond this life.
I want to put my internal turmoil to rest. That voice within me though, says the whole concept is ridiculous. I want it to be real and I want to believe that life followed by death is not so clear-cut. I can accept that there does not need to be a God or religion for the possibility of spirits therefore maintaining my atheist viewpoint. As electrical beings, I can more readily accept that the Earth itself could possibly be the source of energy that supports spirits who in turn can become more enlightened through time rather than have an ultimate creator who is surrounded by angels and so on and so forth.
Don’t get me wrong; I believe religion is beneficial for those who choose make it a part of their lives. Just because I embraced atheism to answer my questions does not mean I think everyone should. It reassures me that people can find strength, support and comfort from their faith and belief in whichever religion they’ve chosen to embrace. People who believe they’ve seen angels, spirits, aliens or whatever, and gain strength from that can only be good for the soul. And that is what I’m missing, there is no comfort from being an atheist – just the harsh reality of when you go, you’re gone!
The problem with religion, aliens and the paranormal is that it is invisible, intangible and hard to prove (for a lot of people). All three require some or all of the following: faith, trust, belief, acceptance or physical proof either as a witness, direct participant or scientifically based irrefutable evidence.
Science has gradually helped me to believe in alien life through the vast amount of research that has been carried out. Science has explained the history of evolution so well that, for me, it negates a lot of what I was taught in school about the bible, which reinforces my atheist stance. But as yet, science cannot disprove or prove the existence of ghosts, spirits or even God. This is why I struggle to believe in any of them even though I want to.
I have had some unusual experiences during my life when it comes to the paranormal. I used to have terrible déjà vu when I was younger and managed to will it to stop; I often feel as though I can sense unseen presences, I have seen dark shapes walking about in my home, I’ve photographed loads of orbs, I think I may have even seen an apparition at work to name a few. As much as these little snippets tantalise me with the possibility of something far greater, that little voice within stamps it foot and tells me to snap out of it.
So my search for proof continues. I’ll keep my mind open but wear my scepticism to prevent me from being vulnerable. Hopefully, one day, I’ll finally get my answer and put that voice to rest, I just hope it’s the answer I really want it to be.